An Oaklandish response to SFist

What’s Your Excuse for not visiting your pals in Oakland?

– I have no car.
Dang. Too bad public transit is disdained by all other cities of the world. I don’t blame them; the urine smells on Muni can get something fierce. But I mean, if there was a ferry, rail, or bus to get you across the bay, well, that could be totally helpful.

– I have no bike, thus too afraid to walk the 2.5 miles from BART to your lovely abode.
Wait… you live in the city and you don’t own a fixie? Something sounds wrong about that… How else do you get down to the beach for Sunday Streets, 5 miles away from the closest BART station?

– Traffic on the bridge.
If you really choose to disdain the clean, fast, beautiful options listed above (perhaps out of deference to your hairdo?) and drive, you’ll find surprisingly light traffic 20 out of the 24 hours of the day. Spend the rest of the time catching up on your favorite web2.0 podcast or latest indie music release. Bring a driver, so you can snap sweet pics of the bridge and bay and run them through the hipstamatic app on your phone.

– I promise to come there in the summer, spring, winter, or fall.
Yes! Seasons! We have actual seasons over here!

Too close to Berkeley.
…. Okay, you got me there. I’ve bemoaned that fact myself. But it’s cool; they stay on their side, we stay on ours, even if there’s no here here.

Oakland Firestorm part II is just a spark away.
Really? You’re going to point that finger? One word for you, or actually, one number: 1906. You’re due. We’re prepared.

I’m afraid of running into my ex.
Because all your exes decided that they had to actually flee the city that you lived in? That’s not a good sign, dude.

There’s no Ikea and/or In-N-Out in Oakland.
Um, A) untrue, and B) those are the only things you leave the city for? What about redwoods? We got ’em. A few lakes and miles of park? Got those too. Madly celebrated eateries and restaurants? Yep. A non-profit foundry and fire arts studio? Haven’t seen one of those in the city. Hell, even the Mythbusters, those SF-loving M5 crazy kids, do pretty much all their coolest stuff out East Bay way.

Too hot.
Whatever, wimp. Buy a fan.

I’m more of an Orinda guy.
*snicker* Yes. Yes, you are. Perhaps you should just stay on your side of the bay.We’ll come to visit you, of course. We’ll flatter your latest masterpiece of impressionist art, and you will, of course, pay for dinner.

The funniest thing about the SFist list is that it implies SFers need an excuse. The one I hear the most often? “But… it’s Oakland!” And that’s all right. We’re used to it. And honestly, it’s better this way. We will be happy to hop on BART and come on in for the night, enjoying the awesomeness that SF has to offer, then return to our large, light-filled apartments with hardwood floors and pets waiting for us and Bakesale Betty scones warming in the oven, all while you hunker on your precious little island, completely oblivious to the outside world.

And yes, I’m protesting a bit too much. I was born in Oakland, and I love it, it’s fabulous, with cool spots, miles more diverse than the city … but it’s just not quite as fabulous. Probably won’t ever be. But really, is that any reason to stay away? Ever once in a while doesn’t fabulousness get old? You can only eat petit filet mignon for so long; after a while, you’re going to need some barbecue ribs.

Can’t we both just get along and hate on Berkeley?

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3 thoughts on “An Oaklandish response to SFist

Add yours

    1. Too true. To which I stick out my tongue, and repeat the “wimp” slur from above.

      I would also point here where it says most homicides in Oakland were provoked. So don’t go to low-income neighborhoods and poke people with guns!

      Also:
      “The groups with the fewest victims were the Asians (4%) and those from other groups.” So you’re cool, by marriage.

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