I’m going to admit to two things that I’ve been shamefully hiding from most of the world, or at the very least, downplaying drastically.
– I’ve been pretty depressed.
– I have not been writing.
In my head, both of those are shameful, and to be hidden. (I know, I know. But my head goes where it wills, no matter what I try to tell it. Stupid, stupid head.*) And both of them contribute to the other, and not in a straightforward algebraic way. Each issue increases the other exponentially.
I’ve written through my troubles before. The kind of sadness and anger that you face when you lose a loved one, or a loved car, or you hate your job with a fiery passion, or you’ve just been mugged… that’s a funk I can write through. Writing helps me process the pain, and the pain does sometimes even serve as inspiration and fodder, as romantics all agree. The myth of the tortured writer, and all that.
But this. This feeling, the feeling that nothing in the world is bearing down on you, at least no more than regular, and so if you feel this shitty, it MUST be your fault… that’s a hard feeling to write through.
We are young. We are strong. We’re not looking for where we belong. We’re not cool. We are free. And we’re running with blood on our knees.
Oh, man. Mika just came up in iTunes. Did you know it’s really hard to maintain a funk through
some all of his songs? That’s the sign of a pretty awesome pop star, if you ask me.
Try it. Just try listening to this, and keeping a frown on your face.
Okay. Shit. Where was I?
So, I get down on myself. And I sink into the couch, and my WIP languishes as I re-watch Dr. Who, and the self-loathing mushrooms as I lose sight of myself as a writer, which makes me fear writing even more, which makes me even angrier at myself… **
I hate days like this. When it rai-rai-rains, when it rai-rai-rains. Baby, I hate days like –
Oh, god. Seriously, if you didn’t click the above video, just try it. Turn on some Mika, and see if you can keep a good, morose, whining rant going. Damn it, it’s hard. I may have just found my solution. I’m gonna get some earbuds and just listen to Mika, constantly. I might end up writing some cheery fucking bubble-gum romance shit, but I’ll be writing.
It’s nothing like a life we wanted, but you better move on, cuz I’m ready for more than this, whatever it is. Baby, I hate days like this. Caught in a track, I can’t get back, baby, I hate days like this.
Sure, it’s artificial. It’s a high that will soon burn off. If I use it properly, it doesn’t matter. I just need a kick; if the buzz gets me writing, then the credits start multiplying exponentially as well. I’m a writer again. And even if nothing else changes, what would you rather be: a tortured writer, or a depressed couch potato?
Which one of those choices gets you more action?
* Obviously said in Judy Davis’ best mocking voice. Stupid, stupid rain.
**Is there an artist out there who can draw me some self-loathing mushrooms? Because I’ve got a pretty clear image in my head, and it’s cracking me up.
Well, shit. Depression does purely suck. Am so sorry it’s dogging you. Sorry, I got no depressed mushroom chops though it IS a pretty good visual. I send you ehugs…
Good writing! Hope you are more tortured writer than depressed couch potato today, cause you can really write.