Ex-cuuse me, hip knitters?

Okay, the prosecco is kicking in. I felt bubbly and happy, and I was cruising through Twist Collective’s new issue, drooling over several patterns (Timpani, I’m coming for you, I swear).

Then I ran into this.

Are they serious? There’s no tongue-in-cheek thing going on here? I know Twist is not Bust or anything, but I thought it was a little hipper than to put in a big ol’ side panel of generalizations. Almost all of which I fail, making me feel like maybe I shouldn’t be reading them, if I am, apparently, such a piss-poor knitter (who am I kidding, I haven’t finished a scarf in a year, I’m not finishing that gorgeous jacket) AND a piss-poor female.

Women love to impress, stand out in a crowd.

Um… no. I don’t even blog for notoriety; my best friends have called me screaming because I hid this blog from them for many, many months.

Women love to shop and are looking for what’s in style today.

Again, that doesn’t put me in with these “women.” I have been known to suffer “shopper’s overload,” a syndrome that basically means I leave full carts in the middle of aisles as I run screaming for the exit, in malls, Ikeas, K-Marts, whatever. I have a critical breaking point in regards to shopping. As for what’s in style today… I still bemoan the fact that the PERFECT pair of jeans that fit me like they used my hips for the model went out of production eight years ago. I’d sure as s*#t buy them today if they were still out there.

A woman will dress up for any occasion.

I realized last week that the jeans I wore to work, and for cocktails afterwards, were so old that they had a hole in the crotch. I could be wrong, since I’m apparently from a different planet as this author, but I don’t think that’s dressing up.

Women wear socks below their ankles with fuzzy balls on them.

This is the one that truly enraged me. Anyone that knows me well, knows that I have a THING about socks. It’s kind of an obsession. In fact, it’s the single shopping obsession that I can cop to. I have one full dresser drawer, overflowing with socks, broken into 4 sections: Halloween themed socks, knee and thigh-high socks (many of which have Halloween themes as well), hand-knit socks, and boring white athletic socks. I’ll let you guess which section is smallest.

Needless to say, not a single pair of those socks falls below the ankles or has fuzzy balls on them.

I’m not sure how that assumption offends me on a feminist level… More like on a sock connoisseur level.

Women know what colors go well together.

Well, okay. Maybe. Except for a certain seagull-ish lady I know who chooses to wear perfectly matching outfits every day rather than put together colors. We call her the the Monotone Queen.

Women will skip lunch to afford a new outfit.

I think my thighs are all the rebuttal (hey, and my butt too!) that I need to offer here.

Women like clothing to look cute.

Well, yeah. But I don’t stress if instead of “cute” I get “disturbing.” Or just “nondescript.”

So I got 1 1/2 out of 7. If anyone’s counting, that’s approximately 21%. Pretty firmly in the F area. Twist, what are you telling me? Am I not woman enough to read your magazine?

Edit April 2nd
In the cold, sober light of day, I should probably mention that I was giggling last night when I wrote all that, and that the article itself was a cute little bit talking about a book that I in no way mean to pan. I just resented the sidebar. In a giggly way.